Dear Chakotay
by Beth6787
Summary: Post Endgame. The Captain had convinced the Admiral that they could have their cake and eat it as regards the Borg and getting home. Well perhaps that applied to another, far more pressing problem. Two can play that game thought the Admiral as she began to record her message to "Dear Chakotay"...


Beth6787

12th December 2017

"Dear Chakotay"

Having her cake & eating it had been the Captain's position on the Borg in Endgame. Well two could play that game thought the Admiral.

Admiral Janeway signed off the console in her temporary quarters aboard Voyager and encrypted the message. It would automatically play the first time computer confirmed that Chakotay was alone in his quarters after Voyager exited the trans warp hub. In the Alpha Quadrant she so hoped. Although if their plan failed and they were still trapped in the Delta Quadrant, perhaps her message would be all the more critical.

She got up and walked slowly towards the replicator. Just time for one final coffee before she was due to meet the Captain on the shuttle and put their plan into action. You are getting old Admiral she admonished herself as her joints ached. Far, far too old. You have existed for 26 years carrying the ashes of what was Kathryn's soul inside you. Time to resurrect her and give Chakotay his life back too. She took the steaming mug and stared out at the stars of the Delta Quadrant and the distant nebula that was about to end her journey and begin a new one for the young woman making her way to the shuttlebay with the vial of serum that she would carry to the heart of the collective ...

They had made it through the transwarp hub, emerged from the Borg sphere just before it disintegrated and been escorted into a high Earth orbit. Here they would stay for the next three to four days whilst Starfleet prepared for their disembarkation and debriefings to begin. Chakotay was at the helm, Tom having rushed to sickbay to meet his new baby daughter, and she was acutely aware of the empty command seat next to hers. She had to get off the Bridge and focus. There was so much to do in so little time. Enough self indulgence Kathryn she admonished herself, time for Captain Janeway to get to work. "Commander, you have the Bridge. I will be in my Ready Room making preparations with Starfleet Command for our disembarkation and debriefings. Any problems, please consult Commander Tuvok. I shall make a formal shipwide announcement at 1500 hours.". With that Kathryn strode purposely across the Bridge and into her sanctuary. She sat and stared at her console but the text scrolled by and blurred in front of her eyes. Oh Admiral, we were too late. We won the battle but lost the war, she thought as the image of Seven & Chakotay standing behind her on the Bridge sharing a glance that would have once been directed at Kathryn, filled her mind's eye...

Chakotay locked the helm controls into the stationary orbit as directed by Earth flight control and headed back to his command console. "Ensign Coombs please take the helm until Lieutenant Paris's return. Expect to complete his shift." said Chakotay with a smile at the young woman. 'Yes, sir !' grinned Coombs. A general feeling of mounting excitement and sheer joy was pervading the Bridge and wider ship. Only Tuvok seemed as stoic as ever and reflected the sense of anti climax Chakotay felt. He looked over at the empty Captain's chair next to him and instantly knew the reason. It wasn't meant to end like this. Kathryn and I should be celebrating together. Chakotay sighed and made a start on the hundred and one messages he would have to send and receive to carry out his duties as a First Officer about to disembark a crew who had been on continuous duty for the longest tour in Starfleet history ! He would retire to his quarters after his duty shift ended and freshen up. Then, as a peace offering, take the Captain up on that rain check meal they were due to have the other day. He hoped she would be up for sampling Chell's new menu over dinner rather than lunch as originally planned.

1900 hours and Chakotay had finally been relieved on the Bridge. Harry was going to cover the routine administrative tasks that he had just not had time to complete today. He was looking forward to a real shower with running water now that they didn't have to worry about resources running out and rationing of life's essentials just to survive another day. He hoped the Captain would have finished all the essential tasks in her Ready Room - he had made sure no one had disturbed her - and would have time for at least a short break and quick bite with him. After all, the Captain & Admiral had beaten the odds and gotten them all home. He owed her his congratulations and heart felt thanks. Perhaps he would get Icheb to see whether any of his remaining supplies of contraband liquor had survived intact in the cargo bay. If ever he and Kathryn had earned a celebratory bottle it was now. With that thought Chakotay headed to the bathroom for his shower and start of the evening ahead.

Kathryn had spoken to Admiral Paris, Starfleet Command and a hundred and one flunkies in various departments since making her formal announcement to the crew that they were home and should start packing up their quarters and prepare to disembark on Thursday (it was now Monday evening). Tomorrow would be spent making the necessary preparations and on Wednesday there would be a party in Holodeck One all day for the Voyager family to celebrate with their friends and fellow travellers before the Fanfare began in earnest once they beamed down to Starfleet HQ. Time to escape to her quarters for a well earned final bath on her trusty old ship. She was just so exhausted, through to her very soul, and the bathtub Chakotay made for her was the only comfort she had left.

Chakotay towelled himself down and changed into his favourite pair of chinos and flannel shirt. Smart casual, which he hoped was fitting for an informal, off duty, on the hop dinner with the Captain. No, not Captain Janeway, it was Kathryn he wanted to share that final bottle with and make sure they parted with their friendship intact. He needed to tell her about his fledgling relationship with Seven before either Seven herself or someone else let slip but he didn't want to make too much of it. Seven seemed in two minds herself and he was far from sure that he felt anything beyond a paternal instinct to help her navigate the minefield of nuances of interaction that come with starting to form a romantic relationship. She had had some dating lessons from the Doctor, but being a hologram himself, was hardly in a position to guide Seven on the emotional intricacies. To be honest, now that they were home the whole notion of him

and Seven seemed rather absurd. Perhaps he had better say nothing to Kathryn tonight. He could always speak to Seven tomorrow and see whether there was anything to say. No need to upset Kathryn over a non event.

Just then his Comm system chirped into life. "This is an encrypted message for Commander Chakotay's ears only. The computer has confirmed you are alone in your quarters. All external communications will be disabled and your quarters secured until half an hour after the termination of this message. The message will delete and be unrecoverable once transmission ends and there will be no trace of it on the ship's logs. Please enter your command encryption override and retinal scan I.D. when you are ready for transmission to begin."

Chakotay was stunned. Could this be some last minute trap encoded by Seska and Maj Cullah? A remnant of a Maquis cell in the Alpha Quadrant trying to make contact before he disembarks? Whatever it was he needed to deal with it before meeting up with the Captain. They were both exhausted after a long day and he was sure he could reschedule for a breakfast meeting in the morning. Kathryn would no doubt welcome the chance of an early night, or more likely, to burn the midnight oil undisturbed. He sighed and hit his communicator "Captain, Chakotay here. I'm sorry to ask for another rain check but I've a bigger backlog than I thought so need to work through this evening. Could we have our get together over breakfast tomorrow instead?"

Kathryn's heart sank. No doubt it was more appealing to spend their first night home with Seven than her. She had to accept the new status quo and attempt to move on. After all, the Admiral had given her the heads up. She knew what her future held. Another twenty six years of being alone, so no change there then. She was used to it after all. The sooner she accepted it and put as much space between her and Chakotay as possible the better. "Of course, Commander. I quite understand and am still pretty snowed under myself. Let's meet in the Mess Hall at 0600 hours. Janeway out."

Well that was rather formal but at least she was fine about the rain check thought Chakotay. Now to deal with whatever remnant of my past needs resolving before our new lives begin.

Chakotay entered his command codes and sat for his retinal scan. Once the computer was assured of his identity the screen flicked into life and there was Admiral Janeway staring out of the screen at him. Of all the possibilities he had envisaged this was nowhere on his radar. Whatever could the Admiral have to say to him, now of all times, that was so secret? ! And why him, rather than the Captain or Tuvok.

She stared intently out of the screen and he had the feeling that her gaze was searing into his very heart and mind. He also had the oddest fleeting impression that it was an older Kathryn looking at him rather than a superior Starfleet Officer. Get a grip Chakotay, he admonished himself. This could be vital intel on how Starfleet is going to deal with our, my, Maquis crew and I need to be alert. This message is going to play only once so there will be no second chances. He instinctively jumped up and grabbed a pen and paper. He could always recycle them in the replicator if necessary and there would be only a few trillion subatomic particles distributed across the universe as 'evidence' afterwards.

"Commander at ease. This is solely a message for Chakotay from Kathryn. Something that should have been said many years before this point but I / she is very much hoping is not too late. Whatever the outcome for me/her we need you to hear this and understand. Firstly, she owes you an apology. It has taken her twenty six more years of heartache and foolish mistakes, stubborn intransigence and, yes, cowardice to reach this point. She & I have nothing left to lose. The old woman before you is now just an image from the past, know that she made no personal sacrifice at all to save Voyager. She died twenty six years ago around the time that I appeared through the tachyon eddy. The truth is that she came back not to save Voyager, Tuvok or even Seven. she came back to save us. Kathryn and Chakotay.

Has my young self been avoiding you since Voyager emerged from the transwarp hub? Being extra formal? I do not need to ask these questions for I already know the answer. I was and am her after all. Just a far older and wiser version. That wisdom came at far too high a price.

You will remember that my pet excuse for putting our love on hold was 'protocol', the overarching Starfleet regulations. On the few occasions that you would not buy this, I fell back on the old chestnut that I was not fully over Mark, then later I let you believe I was still mourning Jaffen. All lies. The real reason was fear. An all consuming terror of losing someone else that I loved. First my father and Justin in that shuttle crash, then Mark to the Delta Quadrant and later his inevitable new love back home. Every man in my life to date that I have loved I have also lost. I reasoned that it I could just keep you at arm's length I would keep you safe, keep myself safe. I would not lose you altogether. You would somehow survive the Delta Quadrant intact and beyond that seemed a pipe dream. So I made up every excuse under the sun never to cross that last barrier between us. In my own deluded way I had assumed this would be enough for you as it had to be for me. I was so sure of your unflagging loyalty and unending devotion that I starved you of affection and drove you into the arms of Seven for solice. Yes, of course I know, I have already lived through the last twenty six years of the consequences of saying nothing and leaving you to follow that path remember? It was the wrong decision for both of us. Had you been happy I would have carried my burden to the grave with me, but you weren't. You eventually married Seven, were in an uncomfortable relationship for two years and then she died in your arms on her return from an away mission. You felt terribly guilty as she had only gone on that mission to give you some space as your marriage had been crumbling and I felt terribly guilty because a part of me was glad that she was finally out of your life for good. I resented my effective daughter for stealing the man I loved beyond measure. We spent another thirteen years in limbo in the Delta Quadrant and you passed away two days before we found the wormhole home. I buried you near my apartment in San Francisco and have had a grave stone for company for the last ten years. I tell you all this because I know you still love Kathryn in your timeline and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt how much she loves you and is hurting right now. She knows. I told her about my future and your dates with Seven the day before I left on the shuttle to despatch the Borg Queen. I had the easy adversary, the Borg Collective. She has the infinitely harder one, her own fear of loss and rejection.

Chakotay, I implore you. go to her and do not take no for an answer. She will use the Captain as armour but do not leave until you have forced Kathryn to emerge. She is afraid, alone and deeply ashamed of herself. She knows her fate is of her own making and she is the ultimate martyr to guilt. We both know that ! ! You do not and never have truly loved Seven and she does not love you. We both know it. It is cruel to all of us to carry on this charade. It is not your fault nor Seven's for making a logical mate choice. You are the Alpha male on Voyager so of course she chose you. Not very romantic is it? The fault is entirely mine. Now I am going to tell you what is in the heart of the young woman crying her eyes out in her quarters as you are watching this. I remember the day I found out about you and Seven, it is seared into my heart and remains as acutely painful as it was twenty six years ago. Time does not ease such intense pain. It only allows the wounds to fester and eventually consume you. That is what happened to Kathryn. She died, day by painful day, until all that remained was Captain then Admiral Janeway.

So this is what Kathryn feels now. She is in a daze, emotionally numbed and struggling to try and put you in the same box marked 'Past, never to be re-visited' as Justin & Mark. But she can't do it because her feelings for you are far more fundamental and run far deeper. Remember the crossed wires after our return from New Earth, the misunderstanding over Kashyk, Jaffen and even the ridiculous charade that was the Michael Sullivan hologram? All these encounters were desperate attempts at distraction, just as you used Riley Fraser & Kellin , now Seven but none of them worked for you - right? Well they never worked for me either. Neither of us are very good at self delusion are we although we are both pretty good at self inflicted emotional torture. She is sitting in her quarters, starring out at the stars, probably in orbit of either Earth or Mars by now wondering how it all went so wrong and not having the first idea how to resolve matters. Of course, Kathryn being Kathryn, is busy talking herself into making the noble gesture and sacrificing herself for the sake of not sabotaging your fledgling relationship with Seven. Even though she knows how it will play out. She is trying to convince herself that she is keeping quiet for the sake of your and Seven's happiness though she knows full well she is lying to herself. She reasons that she has already lost your love, so what is the point of confessing all now. Far better (the Admiral rolls her eyes at this point) to suffer in silence and let fate do it's worst. Far easier to carry on playing the coward and not risk a face to face rejection from you. Yes, she actually believes that you would tell her it's too late and walk away regardless.

I know you are angry and hurt Chakotay but I also realise that you have far more emotional courage than I have ever had. Even now. Yes, I chose to record this message to you after I have passed away although , of course, I could have spoken to you face to face whilst I was still on Voyager. Was it part cowardice? Yes, but also with age I have become a pragmatist. I did not want to usurp your Kathryn's place when the two of you finally confront your feelings. It is she who still has all the possibilities open to her for a better future. The one I should have lived with you. I have to go now, I am already late for my rendezvous with destiny. I promise you I will do all I can to succeed with my end of the mission. I leave the future in your more than capable hands. Lastly, know this, I have never stopped loving you, even for a day. The last twenty six years were a price worth paying for the five days I have just spent on Voyager working with you. I die at peace with myself at long last. Goodbye Chakotay, I'll see you in the future. Love Kathryn."

And with that the message fell silent and the screen went black. Chakotay just sat glued to the spot. It would be a long night ahead. He had until 0600 hours to work out whatever it was he was going to say to Kathryn over breakfast. The Admiral had cut to the chase and what she told him about what was really going on in Kathryn's heart and soul made perfect sense. He had always known the protocol excuse was a smokescreen but for what he had not been sure. A part of him wondered whether he simply was not good enough for an Admiral's daughter. Or perhaps she really was still in love with Mark deep down and hoped to resurrect their relationship if they ever made it home. Maybe she still feared that the former Maquis would be subject to court martial and jailed, or indeed that she may be for giving them field commissions rather than holding them in the Brig for the last seven years! But all along it had been far simpler. Just a young woman who had had more than her fair share of pain and loss who was terrified of giving her heart and having it broken yet again. Why, oh why, had he not seen it? Perhaps the deepest part of him had but it had been too difficult a subject to broach with her. Better to be a coward Chakotay and play along with 'protocol' excuse. Suddenly it was very obvious what he had to do at breakfast the next morning. He smiled to himself and popped out briefly to speak to Seven before heading to bed for some well earned rest.

0550 hours. Kathryn was early to the Mess Hall. The bath hadn't had it's usual soporific effect and she had been wide awake all night. She must have had twenty black coffees and although she had used the time to catch up on all the reports she needed to submit today her mind had been elsewhere all night. She was dreading this breakfast with Chakotay. He was bound to bring up the subject of Seven and she would have to feign surprise and acceptance. Saying she was happy for them both and trying to look as though she meant it. Make some small talk about his future plans, imply that their friendship would remain unchanged whilst in reality she had no intention of ever seeing him again outside of a purely professional contact. It would be impossible for her. Her stomach heaved at the thought and she could not face eating anything. Thank goodness Chell did not start the early crew breakfast until 0630 hours. She could be away and in her Ready Room by then. She would make this meeting with Chakotay as brief as she could without being churlish. She paced about and made her twenty first coffee and checked the chronometer on the kitchen wall. 0615 hours, where was Chakotay? She hit her Commbadge " Commander, Janeway here, where are you? I thought we were meeting for breakfast at 0600 hours in the Mess Hall?"

"Sorry Captain, I was unexpectedly delayed, I'm on my way. Chakotay out."

Great, thought Kathryn. He's obviously overslept with Seven, no doubt. This is going to be worse than I thought. Oh well, at least I have an excuse to keep breakfast very brief now. Kathryn sat down and tried to look relaxed. She started scrolling through some memos on her Pad .

Just then Chakotay strode through the door closely followed by Chell and worryingly Tom, Belanna, Harry, the Doc and - oh my God - Seven. He walked straight up to Kathryn who had risen from her chair, pulled her to him and kissed her passionately on the lips. She was stunned but found herself responding by instinct, just as she had all those years ago on New Earth. He pulled away from her and she tried to gather her thoughts for a response but before she had a chance to say a thing Chakotay began "Kathryn, you are the most maddening and stubborn woman I have ever known but I love you to distraction. I always have and I always will. You have not lost me and you never will. So, in front of all our closest friends I am telling you that there is nothing between me and any other woman and I am asking you to marry me. Please - don't say anything other than yes."

He fell silent and Kathryn looked around her at all their dear friends supportive faces then back at the face of the one man she had ever truly loved and had thought lost forever.

She struggled to find her voice then decided to say yes to him in a manner they would all understand. She looked Chakotay in the eye and then pulled him to her and kissed him in a way that would erase all doubts from his mind forever.

THE END

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